I wasn’t supposed to be on the drops this long. I don’t know how long it’s been. The ability to hold numbers in my head for long was the first thing to go. Days of the week followed.
All I know is the finish line keeps moving.
Surgery number nine is scheduled for March 29. That means that I’m on the drops until at least June 1. After that I’m done. I can’t do it. I’m weak.
Last time it took six years for the side effects to be this bad. I’ve done it in less than one.
What are you talking about?
I’ve become a monster, a hermit, and a broken human being. My mood swings are so wide, I’m beginning to think I’m bi-polar. I don’t feel like me for most of the day. It’s like I’ve left some asshole in charge of my body and I get texts sent to me when he does something stupid or hurtful. When I am present, I feel like a giant child – like I have no concept of proper social behavior.
Sometimes, I’m halfway between here and wherever it is these drugs take me. Inside my head I hear words form, but it takes forever for my mouth to move – often the conversation has left me far behind. Much of the time I don’t know what people are talking about or what’s going on.
I’ve been absent for almost a year.
The worst part is that I feel like I’ve abandoned my wife. I don’t feel like I’m here for her and I can tell she really needs me now. I feel like a failure as a husband. Failing to connect with the outside world is bad enough. Failing to connect with her is excruciating.
I can’t keep living like this. I can’t keep making her wait for me to come out of this fog.
What are you going to do?
First, I’m taking my wife home. For the first time since C found her birth mother, they didn’t spend her birthday together. She needs this.
…and to get there, we’re taking a road trip. Both of us that.
We’ll hit the road, see some sights, visit with family, pick up a few of the things that didn’t fit in the car last time, hit the road again, and get back home just in time for my pre-op exam.
The road has always worked magic on us, both individually and as a couple. We’re nomads.
Wait. A road trip? Are YOU going to drive?
The thought of getting behind the wheel for the first time in 11 months in the middle of nowhere has crossed my mind once or twice.
I have been given a gift that no one expected. Who knows how long it will last? This is probably my last chance to drive on one of these things.
Life is for living, you know?